By: Toki

A TokixMikkie 1Shot

I could tell you the last time I saw Toki. When I had him to myself and I didn't have to worry about anything else. During the final few months of the finishing year, Toki was at my place. He had spent most of the morning there and all afternoon and by that evening it didn't seem he was going anywhere. I wondered why since he and Jia were usually together so I asked. He looked at me with that lopsided smirk of his as he moved his hand away from his mouth and said,

"Why you care?"

It was a simple enough question. Why did I care? Should I not be happy that he was here with me, spending undivided time with me and me alone? I was. It was enough for me. I spent that entire day with him, making small talk, though it felt strange since Toki and I never really talked. He and I didn't have too much of the same things in common. Just our work. Personal tastes ran different. He was a heavy drinker, loved to smoke, loved to fuck anything on two legs that caught his attention, hated to be home and you would have to seriously work his guilt or wrestle him to the ground to get him in a suit. I was the opposite. I couldn't hold much liquor without falling asleep, I didn't smoke much, only when I was around Toki, I wore a suit for most of my life and because of him I didn't sleep around. I figured he did it enough for the both of us. Since he constantly fucked around with anyone, had Jia and then me on the side, I would say his dick is pretty busy. But he said to me once he didn't sleep around as much anymore. He was home a little more, either with me or Jia. He would lie to Jia and say he was out with Akio or Aoki and come see me. He didn't lie to me. He told me he was going back home to Jia. We didn't have much in common and I worried for a while that, that all we had in common was the sex. But he said he loved me. And it scared and surprised me all at once when he said it.

I had a hard time taking Toki seriously about anything. He was so immature and loud. He acted half his age and dressed like it too. He whined and pouted and carried on and on when things didn't go his way and he was always hiding behind Jia when something went wrong. When it came to his job, that was the only time I could take him seriously. It was the only time he didn't act like an idiot. Even with me he was no different. He made sexual jokes every few seconds, always wanting to lead me to his bedroom or mine and he could never keep his hands off me for more then a few minutes at a time. But he made me different when I was around him. He could make me laugh and though I tried to hide it, he would see it and he would make me move my hands back from my face and look up. He would beg me to smile and laugh again since it was a rare thing for me to do either. He made me look into his eyes when we slept together, as if uniting us any closer. His rough hands wouldn't be rough when he touched my face, smoothing back my once long hair. He told me to never cut it and almost had a fit when I thought of it long before I actually did it. He had that strange fascination with my hair and always played with it, twirling his fingers in the ends, running his hand through it. That last night I had him to myself, I laid in his arms as we watched TV. I was starting to fall asleep since he was playing with my hair, his fingers brushing through my scalp to the ends as his other hand rested on my arm. I was comfortable here. I then heard him ask me if I was tired. I shook my head but he turned off the TV and picked us up as he then took us to my room. He laid me down and I expected him to lay beside me too so I over and waited for the bed to sink in with his weight. Instead, he only leaned down and kissed me as he said he was leaving. I was suddenly more awake and I reached out, taking ahold of his wrist as I said,

"You're leaving?"

I didn't recognize the voice that spoke. I had never sounded so desperate for him to stay. I was actually ashamed of myself as I let go right away. Toki didn't say anything for a minute and then sat down in front of me and kissed me, putting his arms around me, leaning back. That was the last night I got to hear him call me by my name rather then Ghosto, Little Ghost, his neko or anything else he created in his mind to call me. He called me by my name. My name like a sweet prayer through his lips as he kissed me and I would kiss back, telling him I loved him. Which I did. I loved Toki and it hurt so badly at first to say that, but when he could say it with such ease, then why couldn't I? I knew he meant it. But I also knew he meant it when he said it to Jia too.

And that was the last night.

After that, I had to have his time divided as always and we went through our usual patterns of behavior. I didn't want anyone we worked with to know I was seeing him. It was bad enough Jia knew and that Joryu had stumbled across it not once, but twice I just didn't want anyone else to know. Toki was something that could never really be seen tied down. If you wanted him, you had to take him and all his flaws, all his conditions. I did, Jia did as well. We both knew him well enough that we couldn't put ultimatums on him because he wouldn't loose, we would. Jia seemed to suffer more at Toki's hands then I did because Toki openly showed he loved me. He hugged me and put his arm around me and said it though in front of everyone. I would cringe and shove him back and tell him to leave me alone. When he did the same to Jia, Jia didn't care. Jia let Toki go on with his antics, with his ways, since it was Toki and that alone was an excuse enough. He was like a puppy, running around behind me begging for attention and affection and when he didn't receive it he grew bored and wandered away. It was like that for so many years I grew accustomed to it. And that in itself was my flaw that became the undoing of everything.

I could tell something was different about Toki for a few days. I couldn't place my hand on what, but something was off. He was not himself. He seemed tired and catching him asleep on the sofa of the lobby was nothing short of an everyday routine. He would be there, but he wouldn't be asleep. He would be staring at the ceiling, a cigarette burning itself to it's cylinder shape as he would inhale some of it every now and then. He was thinking. And seeing Toki think was rare. He acted stupid. He acted on it so well that most of us forget he was actually smart. He loved to play the idiot, the fool that thinks with his dick rather then his head. He knows we all think of him like that and he doesn't care because he knows he's smart. He doesn't see why he should prove it to anyone. So when I saw him thinking every now and then, I wondered why. I wondered why he was thinking and about what. What had made him stop and take a break from his usual act to suddenly be so serious? He doesn't stay this way for very long. Before everyone was dismissed I saw him lighting a cigarette with Aoki, laughing once he pulled back, smoke coming from his mouth as he laughed. He and Aoki share conversation, both of them talking as Toki made some gestures, pointed to something and Aoki laughed. Aoki only laughs around Toki or because of him. It's like a spell Toki has, some damn mesmerizing thing he can do to make anyone laugh and smile. But then again, Aoki and him are friends, have been for a long time, it's only natural that Aoki would feel comfortable around him. I walk a little further into the lobby, preparing to leave as I pull up my coat and I head Toki's voice call me over. I ignore him and continue walking so he comes to me, putting his arm around me as he holds me close. I feel tempted to lean into the embrace, to fall into his arms as I always do when we're alone. But we're not alone and I feel flustered, embarrassed and ashamed that he was doing all this in front of Aoki. I shove him away quickly as I pull up my coat and gather my hair in my hands. Toki looked at me confused as he asked me what was wrong. I didn't say anything but gave him my usual cold stare before I walked away and went home.

I didn't think of my actions. I didn't think they were any different then usual. So I didn't question them. Toki didn't stop by that night. I didn't expect him to since he was hanging out with Aoki earlier. The next day, I didn't see him since I was working. I expected him that night. And he showed up as planned. He's different again I could tell. And he walks in my apartment without so much as a greeting. He doesn't lean down to kiss my mouth, to touch my hair. That was the first warning sign. Something was wrong I knew it. We sat on the couch for a while and he didn't bother taking my hands, barely looking at me as he sat in silence, having his cigarette. I begin to grow nervous, a feeling that had not risen in me since I was younger. I ask him for a cigarette which he lit for me before slumping back against the couch. I inhaled as my hair fell over my shoulders and I looked at the screen in front of me. I then had enough and in the middle of my cigarette, I turned to Toki as I said,

"What's wrong with you?"

"Why?"

"You've been strange all night."

He then leaned forward a little as he said,

"Do you love me?"

I wasn't prepared for that question.

"Wh-what?"

"You heard me."

"Yes. You know I do."

"Then why don't you act like it?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Today, you fuckin shoved me away."

"That was because it was in front of Aoki."

"So? Aoki knows."

"How does he know?"

"How the fuck you think he knows? I tol him."

"Why?"

"What the fuck you mean WHY?"

He got up as I looked at him. He then pulled his hair back slightly, moving his blonde bangs into the darkness of his black hair. He then shut off the TV as he turned to me and said,

"You're ashamed of me."

"What? No I'm not!"

I got up as I looked at him and said,

"Why would you even say that?"

"Cuz you fuckin act like it! You shove me away, you don't want me near you cuz it's in front of everyone and you only act all sweet an shit when we're alone!"

"That doesn't mean I'm ashamed of you! I'm just not openly affectionate!"

"Bullshit! You don't care if I fuck around with you as long as it's not in front of anyone we know! Admit it!"

"It's not like that! I do love you!"

"You love my ass with conditions. You can't admit to anyone you love me because of the shit that happened before. Why can't you fuckin brush off what they think?!"

"I don't care what anyone thinks!"

"You're such a fuckin lair cuz if you didn't we wouldn't even be havin this conversation!"

"This is just you jumping to conclusions!"

"I ain't jumpin to shit! This is hard cold fact! I am willin to tell the fuckin world, shout it from fuckin roof tops, and drop everything to have you to myself! I come with no conditions, no fringes or none of that other bullshit you got up now! This is me, I'm givin you all of me and you're fuckin shovin me away!"

"I do care about you without conditions!"

"Prove it!"

"How?"

"You let me be me in front of everyone. And you don't cringe up and freeze and shove me back!"

My mouth opened to say yes. But something inside me imagined it and I couldn't stomach it. Then they would all know. I couldn't do it. Once Toki saw that I couldn't even handle that he scoffed and said,

"Yeah...it's what I thought."

He started to leave, getting his boots back on as he said,

"Aite then...later."

And he left. I didn't know for certain that would be the last time I would have him to myself. I sat down and finished the cigarette that I started as I started to bite my thumb nail, thinking to myself. What did I just cause? What did I just do to wound him more then anything else the two of us had gone through before?

I didn't know just how badly I had damaged things when until a few days went by. Toki didn't speak to me anymore. He only acknowledged me when he had to by order or work. He didn't pull aside for private conversations and the feel of his fingers in my hair was absent. I bit my thumb nail as I thought, realizing he was right. I was ashamed of him. Because of our troubles before, I couldn't bring myself to say I love you unless it was behind closed doors. I said I had gotten over everything, but I really didn't because I let that be a factor in with us now, so many years after it happened, after as many times as he apologized for it, I still let it effect me. He moved on. He finally moved on. He didn't want me anymore. Why would when he always had Jia who took him, all him, what he once offered me, and loved him for it. Jia, who was in a much higher rank then I was, oyabun of so much, feared by some, respected by the rest, loved Toki. And he wasn't afraid to let anyone know. He wasn't ashamed, he didn't hide it, he didn't care who knew. And that's what Toki wanted. He wanted that unconditional acceptance. Jia gave it to him because I was voiceless to do so. Because I couldn't find a way to say I loved him no matter who heard. I did miss him when he moved on but I knew I couldn't dwell on it. It wouldn't be like me. It would also rob me of the persona I had worked too hard to earn. But because I realized I did cling on to memories, good or bad, I decided the first step in that would be cutting off anything from before. I finally cut my hair. All of it and at first I was hesitant to do so, I knew I should since it was one of things that Toki loved about me. I felt different, a little more relieved that I had done it though now I looked so much younger. So he moved on, I moved on and I tried to not look back since. Though I always knew it would be him that leaves me, I never thought the reason would because of me.