Fragile- Mikkie Araya


I don't have much to say before my life as yakuza. Only that I knew I couldn't take being in my home town anymore. My father was putting too much pressure on me to be something I would never be. I was also looked down at from everyone because I was young, thin and small. I was automatically labeled fragile. And it seemed that everywhere I went I had the word fragile stamped on my forehead. I had this God-awful complexion that made me pale and of course automatically assumed that I was sick. My health was not failing me, I was not dying and I wasn't made of glass.
I was determined to prove to myself and everyone around me that I was not delicate. I became a yakuza, taken in by Toki’s hand. It wasn't easy to convince anyone I was capable of doing anything. But I wouldn't give up. I started small and was trained as much as they allowed...thinking I'd fall apart. But I had long since trained myself to shut off any kind of feelings inside me. Not feeling kept me sane ironically enough. I could shot someone point blank and not feel a pang of anything afterwards.

At first I was grateful to be brought into something as well respected and well established as the 36 Moons, yet at the same time, I knew I would eventually be chided like a child, simply because of how I look. I gave Jia no reason or excuse to treat me as if I would shatter. Yet as time went on and my stay in the 36 Moons increased, I was treated like a child. My syndicate name was Ghost, but thanks to Toki's ways, everyone began calling me Little Ghost. I ignored it. I could do nothing else but be called that especially since everyone in the syndicate started calling me that. Jia treated me like a yakuza...when he had to. Otherwise, he too was ruffling my hair calling me Little Ghost and agreeing with Toki when he said how cute I was. Most of everyone else thought the same things, but when we were on a job, it didn't matter, I was a yakuza too. I just wish that both times would carry over. I would love nothing more then to be treated my age, rather then how I look.
Besides that, I soon learned that Toki had a thing for me. I would have no minded nor cared, if not for the fact that Arashashimia Toki does not take no for an answer. I wasn't too inclined on being raped, so I kept my distance from him. That didn't work out as well as I had hoped because soon afterwards, Jia and Toki got into a fight. Toki being how he is, disappeared for a few days. The rest of us took it in stride, only we all knew how Jia felt inside. I was one that didn't care if Silence was there or not. I was walking home one evening, my shift ending a few minutes earlier when Tai came to relieve me of my duties, and I began on my walk home. The city was damp, the rain puddles reflecting the neon light from Tokyo's advertisement. The sound of running water coming by each time a car sped by, the small splashing sound people's footsteps made, including my own as I headed through the Roppongi District. I had my hands in my pockets, my gun right under the fingers of my right hand, the safety off in case I ran into trouble. The only time the safety was ever on was when I was at work. I had tucked my hair behind my ears as I walked past a nightclub. Outside stood Toki. He was crouched down, leaning against the wall as he cupped his hands over a lighter and a temporarily unlit cigarette. Once he had it lit he tipped his head back and exhaled a copious amount of smoke that took form of a small cloud before dispersing into the night air. I walked over to him and stood in front of him. He took a moment to look up at me as he smiled and said good evening to me. I could tell by his way of holding his head and how he smiled, the glassed over look in his eyes that he was drunk, stoned or both. I sighed and I said,
"What are you doing here?"
"Having a smoke."
He smiled as he inhaled again. I looked around as I said,
"Why don't you go home?"
He nodded, saying he would as he then struggled to get to his feet. He used the wall behind him as an aid before he took the cigarette from his mouth and said,
"I will...I will. Just...give me a minute."
He could barely stand. He was having a hard time focusing on anything. The task of him getting home would not be an easy one for him. I took my left hand out of my pocket as I said,
"I'll take you home. Where do you live?"
Not caring about anything has caused me to be ignorant about the private lives of my fellow yakuza. He exhaled some smoke as he gestured somewhere facing downtown as he said,
"Down there..."
I soon saw the predicament I was getting myself into. If I left him here, the thought of him being how he is, if he ran into any trouble, he would not be able to do anything about it. It was also pretty easy to take advantage of him due to his current state. With no other option other then leaving him there, I offered to take him back to my own apartment.

My intentions were to just let him sleep off his drunken stupor and have him return to work the next morning. He would sleep on the futon in my living and I would lock my door. When we got back to my place, what followed was a struggle. Once I had him sitting on the futon, he began to babble something or other, all while touching my hair. I was knelt down in front of him trying to remove his wet boots from ruining my carpet. Once that was done, I started to stand so I could go to sleep myself, but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me to my former position. He then kissed me. I knew this would be trouble right away. In his drunken state, and his personality I knew this would lead to trouble. And it did.
In a blink of an eye, I was struggling to breathe his mouth was sealed shut around mine, his body weight crushing me. I am smaller then he is after all. I couldn't very well breathe and struggle but once I was able to, I started to move him off me. I was yelling at him to stop, to get off me. I couldn't very well shoot him though the idea crossed my mind and my gun without the safety was in my pocket not too far from me. Jia would have me killed next. I was amazed that even through his weakened moments he was still a lot stronger then I was. I was only able to fend him off for a few moments before he pinned both my wrists over my head. With his free hand, he reached down and grabbed my tie as he wrapped it around his hand, making a fist and without warning tightened his hold and pulled towards him, cutting off my ability to breathe again. I thought his intentions were to kill me by that point. I was loosing focus with everything around me, black spots appearing before my eyes in clusters as I thought I was going to die when suddenly it stopped. I started to cough and breathe again as I felt my chest heaving, trying to regain the air I lost.
I felt as if I couldn't move anymore, I felt weak and most of all, helpless. My throat throbbed from not being able to breathe and I felt pain when I swallowed, feeling as if my vocal cords and my wind pipe had all been crushed. I was seeing clearly again as I felt a violent tear from below me. Once I focused I saw he had gotten my pants off me and he was preparing himself. I regained my strength. I doubled back only to have him catch me again. In the mist of the struggle he grabbed a handful of my hair and as he reached back to let go, his sleeve from his jean coat was caught in my earring and it was torn out. I tried to scream but it came out as a strangled whimper instead. The pain throbbed for a moment as I felt a trickle of blood sliding down my face, past my neck and into my hair and on my shirt. I wanted to whimper since it hurt and I fought back tears from even beginning to welt in my eyes. I gave into struggle once more before I felt the inevitable.

My throat closed up, my eyes closed and I tried to ignore the fact that Toki was raping me. I didn't make a sound. Only the occasional hisses of pain I felt. I stayed silent and let him take what he's been after. When he was done, he complained about having blood on him and then he got to his feet and sat back down on the futon. I think I laid there for a few moments with my eyes closed before I heard him getting up again. He got his boots and left. My wrists ached from where he held them so tightly, my ear hurt from where he tore out my earring, my throat hurt from where I was strangled, and the rest of my body ached and groaned in protest from its misuse. I eventually got up and after a shower I went to bed.
I had to hide my now bruised wrists. Everything else that was bruised was easily hidden by clothes. I had horrible purple blotches on my waist and hips, on my throat and the forming scab on my ear. I hid it all. And I did a rather good job of it, until Jia noticed the forming scab on my ear. He was angry Toki had done this to me and he was going to do something about it, but I told him not. I was not some helpless thing that needed vengeance or something. I was left with my dignity...it's all I wanted to keep. Jia didn't say a word and let it go. Whatever happened after that between him and Toki, was between them.

Bruises heal, scabs heal, my throat went back to normal since no permanent damage had been done. I kept my distance from Toki so much so that the only thing stopping me from letting him die on the job was the fact that I was not one to mingle my emotions with my job. On a personal level, yes I hate him for what he did, on a business level he was just another yakuza I worked with. When Jun came into the picture, he and I became friends. He was the only one that treated me my age. I was Mikkie to him, not Ghost, not Little Ghost, but Mikkie. And I was pleased with that. Toki on the other hand, wasn't. But who gave a fuck what he had to say about me. I continued my friendship with Jun, because that's all it was, a friendship. He respected me for my work I respected him for his.
It was all that made right in my world. I soon forgot about Toki and anything he might have to say to me. I moved away from that. When times changed, and Jia's empire fell, I was arrested. I had been with Toki at the time, as we tried to find a way out of the building that afternoon. We had lost Iason a while back only to find out later he had been shot and killed. One by one, we were all arrested, tried and sentenced to prison. After a four year stretch, due to Jia and Aya's know how, we were released. And we quickly went back to work on rebuilding the empire that once crumbled.
I had not seen Jun in almost four years...same goes for Toki. Four years in prison had not changed him at all. Within a matter of time, he was chasing me again. I bluntly told him I wanted nothing to do with him, on any level another then a business one. I did not want him...especially after what he did. Jia later told me he was in love with me. The idea of Arashashimia Toki being in love with anyone was enough to make me laugh. I ignored it and told Jia he had a better chance of diamond breaking then me ever forgiving him. Somewhere along the line, Toki gave up...though I would have never thought it possible. Then, as Jia gathered all of Japan in his grasp, at the height of the battle between Tokyo and Sapporo, Toki was shot and almost killed. I remembered staring down at him and thinking to myself, good, go...you'd be better off. But at the same time, I knew that he wouldn't die and some small part of me didn't want him to die. It was the same small part that wanted to forgive him because he was so persistent, that saw how sorry he was for what he did, that showed me he wanted to make amends. But I didn't say a word. As he recuperated, I saw him a few times in the hospital. Toki teased me about being equally in love with him as he was with me...I told he never had a chance. I humored him and kissed him as he laid in that hospital bed, but it was a quick peck, and I quickly left afterwards.

Toki considered me to be made of glass, to be fragile, it's why he raped me...and a lot of other people do as well. But being able to be heartless, and being able to carry out a job like mine doesn't make you hard inside, is being able to walk away from your emotions that shows how strong you can be. It shows that I'm not fragile because I was able to turn my back on Toki.