Fallout

A 1Shot Toki x Mikkie fic

You ever feel like there was no one around you? Like there was this empty gap in the face of the planet and that was you? That was your whole world, your universe, your center all you know and forever will know.

If you can, then that's my life.

I chose it. It was a path that was in front of me and I chose to walk that way. I wonder why sometimes since it has robbed me of all valuable human emotion. I claim to be harder then diamond, colder then ice, but on the inside my thoughts circle in a frenzied pattern all their own. When I was a teenager, I was raped and almost strangled to death by the one person that claimed to love me. Over time, after he begged on his hands and knees for my forgiveness, his persistence that made me want to forgive him and almost fall in love with him, wore me out and I forgave him. He blamed it on alcohol, saying if he had his mind right, it would have never happened. I blame it on myself since in some way I did want it but I was being stubborn.

He chose to leave me alone for almost a few years after I forgave him. And it hurt. He chose to move on, to pursue other interests and he called me an infatuation. It hurt so badly that he could rob me of something that was mine, that I could have chose to give to someone I saw fit, but he took for himself and then for him to beg me to say a word to him only so after I did, he could turn his back on me. Anything having to do with Toki was a two sided blade. I discovered that after dealing with him on and off since my younger years. He babied me, called me beautiful said he loved me though I knew it was impossible for Arashashimia Toki to love anyone side from himself. Because it was about his needs, his wants, how everything should work in his manner, how everything revolves around him, him, him. He's selfish and spoiled and like a child throwing a tantrum, things must, must go his way or he'll unleash his anger on whoever is stopping things from working in his manner. I grew to understand how he worked and kept everything to myself. I watched as he and Jia gradually became more then lovers and how I seemed to be a vague memory. I learned to deal with it. I learned to let go. I learned to forget. That is until he came around again. I was forever his rebound. I didn't want to be that anymore. I finally told him,

I'm your all or I'm your nothing.

It was a loosing bet. I knew it as I said it. Because Toki would never, ever give up everything just to be with me. With no sense of pain in his voice he said I would be his nothing then. And for a long time it remained like that. Nothing crossed between us ever again. Not until more recent days. Toki comes haunting me like a bad memory, lingering around me sometimes, whispering the same words, telling me he loves me. But I knew it couldn't be...he loved Jia. He said he did. He might as well have declared it to the world because everyone knew. I didn't want to have what few emotions I had toyed with and I chose to leave it alone. But why I eventually broke down again was something I could never understand. He had that effect on me. He could get under my skin, into my mind, lure me out with false pretenses I knew he had no intention of keeping. But still when he called, I went. Like a moth to a flame. And I wanted to get burned it seemed. Whenever Jia forgave him, I was set aside again. It wasn't the sex that was the problem...I didn't care. Sex to Toki is like a meaningless object to people. It was something there for his enjoyment, his pleasure and who and where he got from, didn't matter. As long as he enjoyed himself. Though my body had never been touched by anyone else but him. It pains me to say that and ever worse, it humiliates me by only saying it to myself. What is hurtful, painful is the words that Toki uses. I have never heard 'I love you' before him...and I never heard it from anyone else.

I don't know love. I couldn't have said back then that I knew what it was. I had never experienced it. I learned eventually what it was. It was this unconditional emotion that someone shares with you, that someone says with meaning and they are able to prove over and over again. It comes with no conditions, with no terms or fringes if you do something right. Love is not about wanting something for just yourself, it's about for someone else too. I knew what this was over time...but Toki didn't. Love was something he could never comes to terms with because he is too greedy, too spoiled, too selfish. He wants to hear it all the time, someone to tell him that he's loved. He chants, 'tell me you love me' over and over again because it's from his own ego, his own insecurity, his own greed that he wants to hear it. He would never say 'I love you' first. He always says tell me you love me. He needs to hear it...it's been Toki's way. I'm a glutton for punishment...I know I am. I'm forever returning to him, forever wandering back to him whenever he calls.

I should have more strength then that. He toys with my emotions, so it is no wonder that when it's all done and said, I can hardly stand to look at him the next day. I hate him for what he says and how he acts that I have no problem hiding how I feel about him. When I show him no kindness, he carries a hurt expression on his face, like I had just shot him myself, color gone from his already pale skin. He looks like a wounded animal...and sometimes I wonder that if it because of me that I send him to go chasing someone else. I speak so badly of him even to myself it's no wonder he thinks I really hate him. He too is left with a confused expression on his face whenever I kiss him back. He thinks I hate him for the most part....but he's too ignorant to see that if I did hate him, I wouldn't allow him to be near me, much less inside me. I love being with him, I love feeling his arms around me, sleeping beside him, I love him playing with my hair, whispering to me how he likes spending time with me, I love hearing his plea for me to tell him that I love him...I love him. I love the few moments that I have him to myself before he's everyone else's again.

I'm laying in his bed tonight. Waiting for him to come back from the kitchen. He promised me a glass of water so when he returned with a cup in hand with a cigarette in the other, I was pleased. He sat on his side of the bed as he handed me the glass, still wet as the water dripped down the sides of the glass. He smoked his cigarette as he shook his hand before he rubbed it on the sheets. I took a sip, tasting it was tap water...not really surprised since Toki doesn't have anything in his apartment that isn't liquor of some kind. I set the glass down on the table beside me as I look at his back for a while, the ever present angle with black wings holding a scythe forever on his back. The scar from where he was shot before. He then turned and looked for a place to rub out the cigarette. He lifted up the stacks of papers and magazines on the night stand as he searched for an ash tray, knowing he had one, cursing when he couldn't find it. I finish my water as I hand him the glass and he takes it, throwing the cigarette in there. It sizzles for a moment before dying out. Toki gets back in bed, pulling me into his embrace as he kisses me on my cheek, sweeping my now blonde hair away from my face. He got into the habit of calling me his neko, his kitten because of the blonde. I could feel his fingers twisting into the ends of my hair, making them loose curls as he breathes gently. I hold him close to me, my hand on the back of his shoulder as I close my eyes, wanting to sleep as I feel him kiss my forehead. I expect him to say tell me you love me, as it is his greedy way, but instead I hear a soft,

"I love you Mikkie."

I pucker my lips and kiss him softly on his throat, my eyes watering from the overjoyed feeling. I clutch at his arm and say nothing. It's more then enough for me.