Written by: Toki

I had been broken. I fell to earth so hard the pieces of my soul were still missing, shatter to bits so small they passed through an eye of a needle. I was already broken and it hurt so much and took so much strength to put myself back together again. I was still tender in some areas, but by this point a lot has healed. I can look in the mirror and see myself whole again. I was in one piece...more or less. And when I touched my chest it didn't hurt as much.

Then he came back. He came back free, full of himself and alive. He was alive and it was okay for him to be alive....it was in his nature to be that way. To be greedy and selfish and not care for anything or anyone but himself. He had often proved it, more over he proved it because he felt he had to. When he came back, I could feel pieces of myself start to flake off, my soul threatening to come undone. But I steadied myself and made sure I didn't cave in. Though I wanted nothing else then to do that.

Memories lingered over me like fine mist, haunting me, pulling at me and turning my head in one way as I tried to turn the other. I couldn't look him in the eye. I found I couldn't not without seeing something there that threatened to break me. I often choked back on my words, feeling my heart being sliced open....I felt I was bleeding myself inside out when I stood around him, yet all I did was stand still and be my calm collected self. I was cold, I was always going to be cold, dead, lifeless. He made me remember myself when I wasn't that way once. It didn't last for very long and it never stuck around again. I didn't know how to smile anymore, I didn't know how to laugh anymore...until he came back. And now he was here again at my side and threatening to break me. Why did he want to break me if he once said he loved me? It made no sense for his will to be so strong that he could easily shatter me.

I was not weak.

I had made clear of that thought long ago. I was not weak. I was harder then diamond so much in fact that I boasted diamond would break before I would.

I was wrong.

I had lied.

He could make diamond break. He could make me break. And I would tremble and want to cry but I found I couldn't and I felt as if I would suffocate because I couldn't. My throat grew dry and pain gnawed at my insides, pain dug its talons into my chest threatening to rip open, pain put a knife to my wrists and threatened to cut. Pain and I had become closely acquainted because of him. Any time we were alone, he came close to me, his plush thick lips near my ear singing the same old song, making promises sound rich with thickened desire, melted sex with each oozing syllable. His voice, deep, deeper from smoking for so many years made it seem so...pleasurable. And I knew it was not just empty promises. He could deliver, make me see the face of God with touch of his hand, make me feel as if I was going to die, that I was dying, that I died, that I was dead only to bring me back with a jolt and make me scream as if I was dying again. He could do that. And it wasn't an empty promise. His breathe was warm, not hot, soothing as his tongue lashed at my earlobe, flicking over the platinum he once pulled out and then replaced again. I could feel his words, the sound and tone, the promise, all that slipping into my system, shaking my insides, jeering at me as my knees shook and I desperately tried to stop them. His words touched me like he would...and I had to stop him, choosing a cowards route and running.

I didn't want to break again.

But it was only a matter of time. Just a matter of time before he came about and knocked on my soul's door, asking to come back in. He wanted in again...in more ways then one and I would deny him. I would deny though every fiber in my body begged to let him in. Let him they chanted...let him in. And I would say no, reminding them of the now fragile soul still missing pieces from the first time he came in. They ignored all that.

He asked for a kiss good night and his mouth lingered near the corner of mine. I wanted to turn...so carefully and it would mean everything. Don't turn I told myself. But at the next moment, my face had turned, my eyes softened the only way they would around him as his mouth met mine. It was surprising to him at first, but not to me. I had desired it, I had long since he came back. And he was there again, my heart turning fiercely, reminding me of what was and will be if I didn't stop it then. But I clung, opening my mouth, inviting him back in, my soul's door opened again. His tongue meshed with mine, a dance we knew so well and I could only follow in his lead. His hand came up to my face, cupping back my cheek as I felt myself wanting to whimper at that gesture alone.

God......what has he done to me?

He stole my breath, my eyes watering, swimming in the depths of his as I blinked and without words, I invited him in. I was bringing him back in. Love me...please this time, love me. It was all I was asking for though I should have known better...and I did know better. But still here I was asking to be torn apart again. Hands moved quickly, removing clothing, my coat, my tie, the sound of ripping came to my ears faintly as I felt his hands touch my bare skin. I cried out without meaning to. It hurt and it was pain....the pain I was so acquainted with. But oh....what pain it was this time. Pain had become something else only because he was here again. I pulled off his shirt, bring it off his body, my hands touching him in slow gentle ways he has known so many times before and after me and I faintly wondered if it was any different from when I did it. I fell back against my bed, sitting carefully, pulling him over me as he straddled me. I was so well aware of our size differences at that moment. He was taller, heavier, stronger...and I could not stop myself from saying no. His hands, thick and ruined with callouses, scars and self mutilation came to my hair his fingers toying with the black again as he looked at me. I begged myself not to look at his eyes, so I closed mine, feeling his body weight come down over me. I felt crushed for a moment, evening out my breathing as he kissed me, his mouth hungry, latching onto skin as he bit and licked the skin on my neck, down my throat, at my clavicles. My hands reached up to his head, smoothing back his black hair, feeling the skin of his face as my fingers skimmed across it.

Pieces started breaking off again...

I heard the loud, resonating snap and zip of my own pants come undone as he opened them and helped me take them off. He undressed me slowly, carefully to not scare me, to not surprise me. I gasped as I felt his mouth on my thigh, his hands on my side, my stomach, on my arm as I clasped his wrist, his own hand grabbing my forearm as he took his free hand, sliding it back down my body and slipping it between my legs, With a silent plea, he asked me to open and let him in. I did. I let go of his arm as he stood up and undressed himself the rest of the way. He was warm...so warm and I shook as his body covered mine again. I had my legs open to him, for him as I kept my eyes closed, opening them every now and then but closing them any time he looked over at me. His mouth was on my ear again, sucking gently, nibbling as he spoke soft words. He was searching for something...he wanted me, he was searching for me. I panted as I drew my hands on his back, down his slender body as he pushed my hair back. I felt his mouth leave my ear and return to my mouth. His teeth latched to my bottom lip softly as he then let go and pressed his forehead to mine. I had my eyes closed. I felt his hands on my face again and I opened my eyes. I saw all my memories there again and I wanted to cry and felt I couldn't....I was suffocating again.

My foundation began to shake as I felt myself slowly breaking apart.

He kissed me gently as looked at me. Our eyes were open as we kissed each other and I felt so scared. He had too much control over me...it was too much. And his control was perfect. He knew just how to manipulate me, just how to own me...just how to make me work. He picked me up as he turned over so I would be on top and I suddenly felt so weak. I felt as if my arms would give out from me and I would collapse on top of him. I hung my head, my hair shielding my face as I tried not to look at him. He was patient. He sat up as I felt his hands on my back, tickling me as I sat up straight, giving him a chance at my neck again. I breathed in gently as his hands held my hips, drawing me up as I felt him. His passion between my legs. He stopped and let me do it from there. I brought up my shaky hands and put them around his neck as I slowly sat down, blocking out the pain, the feeling of how tight I was since it had been too long as I finally sat, filled. I cried out, hiding my face under his chin as he panted softly, his hands moving back my hair before he rested them on my hips again. He was about to lay back down but I felt I couldn't do this if he wasn't close to me. I whimpered slightly, feeling ashamed as I did so, but he came back. He held me close and I started breaking.

I moved slowly, feeling him slide in and out of me perfectly. He was moving with me perfectly. I closed my eyes again and forgot my shame. I forgot my name, my reputation, his name, his reputation and everything that awaited us outside of this moment I moved with ease, feeling him, his soft words, his deep voice in my ear, his hands on my back, his mouth on mine, his tongue lapping at the roof of my mouth. He licked and nibbled at the corners of my mouth and each move I gave I arched up, crying out as he panted, my whole body tensed, my eyes closed, I wanted to die. I felt I was dying...I begged him not to stop especially when he turned us over and I was once again under him. He worked himself in and out of me, looking, as if in wonder, as my body accepted him over and over again. Whatever pain had started there was gone, my insides willingly wanting him, luring in, welcoming him inside me. I threw my head back as I arched my back, it was too much...I could feel him through my entire body, I could feel him inside and out, I could taste him with every part of my tongue...he had once again crawled into my skin. I felt him grab my hands, pressing them down into the bed underneath is as he panted over me, thrusting quickly, saying my name, begging me to come before him...I cried out and I swore I lost my vision, everything fading to black as I finished. As I slowly came back, I felt him still moving, his hands tightening around my wrists as he gave a final groan and came into my willing body.

His grip lessened. He slowly laid on top of me, kissing my neck, moving back my hair as I started up at my ceiling my eyes wide open as my mouth was open. I swallowed hard as I felt him laying on top of me, he was still panting as his hands slipped from my wrist on going onto my arm as I felt my eyes watering, tears falling down the sides of my eyes as I stared up at the ceiling. I kept breathing hard, using the orgasm as an excuse. I blinked, more tears coming out at a steady stream. My mouth was still agape...and I cried, no longer feeling suffocated but ruined.

He broke me all over again.