Bittersweet Pain

Tai’s P.O.V

By Toki-sama

I expect the past to stay in the past. I never asked for anything more. Often enough my memories from before are too painful, too fresh for me even to want to remember them. So I focus ahead and try to never look back, no matter what I may have missed. I don’t dwell in the "what if" of existence anymore.

Jia had given everyone down time and Gabriel was begging me not to spend another day locked in my office. He had his sad, puppy dog blue eyes brightly shining at me as he leaned forward on my desk, begging me to come out for a little while, or at the very least, to work at home while he and Scruffy kept me company. I found it hard to say no to my Tenshi when he did that face at me so I sighed heavily and said,

"Okay, I’ll work at home."

He smiled brightly as he leaned back and began telling me to hurry so we could leave. I put away everything I would need as I set some folders on top of each other and then I put my coat back on as I picked up the few folders I needed and I left with Gabriel. We made a quick stop at his apartment first where he picked up Scruffy, his small white dog that was full of energy and more hyper then a child. Usually, Scruffy is kept in New York but Gabriel brought him over to Tokyo for the time since we had nothing else to do for the time being. Besides, we would be going back to New York in another week. Gabriel set his coat to the side as he knelt down, picking up his hyper dog as Scruffy ran in circles first and then jumped into Gabriel’s arms. Gabriel laughed a little as he stood back up, allowing Scruffy to lap at his face before he turned to me and said,

"You’ve been coming here for so many years and you still can’t just come in without me telling you to."
I laughed a little as I finally entered his apartment, closing the door behind me as Gabriel then set Scruffy down. The small white dog came over to me and rubbed against my leg, sniffing at my shoes for a moment before he started whimpering for some attention. I knelt down, switching arms to hold my work away from him before I pet him and brought him up into my arms. Scruffy relaxed there before leaning against my shoulder and becoming content. Gabriel came back out a few moments later, now changed into a pair of regular blue jeans and a short sleeved white shirt with the word Fallen written in black across his chest. He paused, looking at his shirt for a moment, trying to see if he should tuck it in or not. By the length of the shirt as it skirted around his hipbones, it didn’t look like it would tuck in even if Gabriel wanted it to. He decided to ignore it as he looked up, his black, long hair now loose and falling around his face as he said,

"Okay, come on."

I nodded as he picked up a dark blue leash from the table and walked over to me as he looked at Scruffy and then searched around for the collar. Once he found it, he snapped on the leash and asked me to put him down. I set the dog back down on the floor and then we left. We traveled to my apartment, which was not too far from Gabriel’s. It was Scruffy’s second home and he spent almost as much time here as he did in Gabriel’s place in both countries. I set my work down for a moment as I then went to change myself, getting into some comfortable dark blue jeans and white sweatshirt. It was cool enough in my apartment to get away with that so I was comfortable. After getting rid of my shoes and socks, I went back out to the living room, seeing Gabriel now on his knees in the middle of the floor as he played with Scruffy. I shook my head a little, amazed to see how child like my Tenshi could still be. At work he was always so serious, much more then ever before. His near brush with death made him harder then before so he wasn’t so gentle now. Fallen happened to be the perfect word to describe him nowadays. Though his attitude had changed dramatically at work, with me, he remained the same. Just as nice, just as caring. The only thing that did change with he and I where the few times in the bedroom where I noticed a more bold, more seductive fallen angel in my bed. I headed to my bedroom where I pulled out my chair from under the desk and sat down. I hardly sat at the desk in my room, usually because I was busy at work and if I was home, I usually slept. I picked up one of the pens from the small organizer as I opened the first folder in my possession and got to work.

Over a period of three hours, I managed to get through the first folder as Gabriel came in every now and then, asking if I’d like anything to eat. Once I said yes and decided on what to eat, Gabriel offered to make it.

"You can just order it you know."
"It’s okay. It’s not like I’m doing much of anything else."

I then nodded and Gabriel left to head to the market for a moment. He returned well over a half-hour later, Scruffy now resting on my left foot. He had wandered over some time ago and decided to set himself on top of my bare foot, nuzzling it for a moment as I worked before plopping down on top of it and then sleeping. He remained there ever since. I heard Gabriel come back and after he set everything in the kitchen he came to my room to see me still working. He then said,

"Hey, I’m back. I’m gonna get started okay?"
"Sure."
"Scruffy bothering you?"
"Not at all."

He nodded as he then went on his way. Only twenty minutes had passed when I heard the doorbell. I heard Gabriel answer and softly speak to someone. Then he came to my door, a slightly confused look on his face as he said,
"Tai, someone named Yumi is here."
"Yumi?"
"Kanzaki Yumi?" He offered.

Kanzaki…the last name ran echoes of memories in my head and I quickly stood up, waking Scruffy as I moved away and went to the living room where Yumi stood. Yumi, every bit a painful reminder as her name. Kanzaki, my wife’s maiden name and Yumi, her older sister. When Kanami and I had gotten married behind our families’ backs, Kanami wanted to tell Yumi first but her sister was away at collage during the time so it had to wait. Even after Kanami and I had started our lives and my first son was born, Yumi didn’t know until afterwards. Unlike the rest of Kanami’s family and my own, Yumi helped Kanami out and they got along. However, when I took the job working for Jia, Yumi was outraged and worried for her sister as well as her nephew’s lives. She was angry with me that I would dare to put my family, her sister and nephew lives in danger like that. After she was proven right, she hated me, more then ever before. She blamed me for everything and she was even more outraged when Jia and my other associates had accompanied me to Kanami’s funeral. I had no idea what she was doing at my apartment, her very presence already stinging the layers of my skin as I said,

"Yumi…"

She looked at me as I noticed she held a small box in her hands. Her hair was tied back neatly and she wore black dress pants and a light blue shirt under a knee length coat. She set the box down as she said,
"Tai."

"What are you doing here?"
"My parents…are moving. My mother is too sick to continue staying in Tokyo so they’re heading to Okinawa to spend the rest of their years there. They found some things. Of Kanami’s. They thought you should have them."
"I thought your parents hated me."
"They do. But they are reasonable enough to understand you married her. But don’t mistake me for them. I still despise you."

"I’m not surprised."
She then looked back over to the box as she said,

"Most of the things are from school…pictures, some minor trinkets of the sort."

"What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Did you keep any of her things?"
"I thought I should keep this all. But my parents said I should allow you to have something of hers. I disagree."

"She was my wife."
"Yeah and I was her sister and I would have never allowed you to take that job. You’re disgusting. Because of you she’s dead."

"I didn’t kill her."
"You might as well have. You were so greedy and self centered it didn’t even matter that Kanami couldn’t sleep at night because of you, because she was worried and scared."
"I knew she was worried, but she understood I was doing this for us. I had a family to take care of and no one else was going to do it for me!"

"You could have found some other way, some other option! Not becoming a yakuza! And she only understood because I had to calm her down. I was the one she called when she was scared, crying, worried about you who didn’t give a damn!"
"I cared! Don’t you dare say else wise! I loved my wife and son and you were not the only one who lost her!"

"It was your fault she’s gone anyway! Because of you she’s dead! Because of you and your stupid job and your stupid manly pride that couldn’t suck it up and say I need help, please forgive us and our foolish mistake!"

"Your parents at the time didn’t want to even see both of us, let alone hear us out!"

"I would have! I would have allowed you to live in my home, to stay with me! If you would have just listened to Kanami rather be stupid and rush out and leave her alone at night, she would be alive and my nephew would still be alive too! Murderer!"

She hit me, though it didn’t do anything but allow her to hit her first against my chest, I still tried to calm her down.

"I never meant for that to happen. I wish I had never left that night."
"But you did. And obviously you care so much you happily moved on with some boy."

She shot Gabriel a dirty look as my Tenshi stood his ground and glared right back at her. I then said,

"You don’t know anything about him."

"I don’t need to. God, I can’t even stand looking at you anymore. Keep her things. It’s the last of her anyway. With any luck I will never have to see you again for as long as I live."

She then turned and left, slamming the door behind her. I stood, planted, feeling the overall pain and agony of being called a murderer, my own stubborn pride being my own downfall. Was I truly too stubborn and hardheaded to listen to Kanami and to take Yumi’s offer? I tried thinking back, for once, skipping past the unpleasantness of my life to recall Kanami, a smaller form of Yumi and trying to think if she had ever mentioned Yumi’s offer. I didn’t remember much, just bittersweet memories of a time that seemed to be on another plane alone. I turned and without a single word returned to my bedroom. I shut off the lamp on my desk, leaving my work there for another time as I sat on my bed. I missed Kanami more then I ever imagined. I ached with pain thinking about her, thinking about what was and could have been had I not taken the path I currently walk down. But Yumi was right, I couldn’t go back and fix it. She was gone and nothing could change that. I wasn’t aware of how much time had passed until Gabriel knocked on my door again. I saw him standing there, a now worried look on his face as he said,
"Tai…? You okay?"

I nodded, not looking up anymore as he then said,

"Can I come in?"
"Yes."

He came inside, sitting beside me as I heard him settle something else beside him. He then said,
"Do you want this?"
I looked to the side of him, seeing the box that Yumi had brought with her. I nodded, taking it as he handed it to me and I opened it, taking the lid off as I looked inside, seeing some papers first. I lifted them up, giving them a once over seeing there were letters. There at the bottom were pictures from high school. I took them out, going over them, seeing Kanami again for the first time in years. The first picture was of Kanami herself with one of her friends, both of them smiling and showing off their ears that at the top was newly pierced. I changed the picture seeing Kanami again next to me as the both of us leaned against one of the blackboards in school, behind us, was a love umbrella someone had drawn. Instead of being embarrassed, Kanami and I stood under it and had someone take a picture. The next one was of Kanami, myself and a few of our friends on a sofa some on the floor as we laughed and posed for pictures while we held mics in our hands. It was from karaoke. The last picture was of Kanami and I again, this time we holding hands as we stood outside our old high school, Kanami giving the peace sign, a bright smile across her face. I smiled at all the old memories as I heard,
"You looked so happy then."

Gabriel’s voice brought me back to the present as I looked at him, noticing he was looking at the pictures with me. I wasn’t sure what to say so I put them back in the box and continued going through everything else. There were a few more notes, some from her friends, others to her sister and an older letter I had written myself, confessing my love to her. At the very bottom was a small stuffed animal that held a sky blue ribbon around its neck. In its paw like hands, it held a picture frame. In the frame was a picture of Kanami and I, taken from a sticker booth. I put everything back as Gabriel said,

"Tai?"

I nodded as I said,

"I’m okay."

"Are you sure?"
I nodded, not really feeling much of anything but nostalgic. Once everything was put away again, I moved the box away, setting it to the other side of the bed as I then looked at my Tenshi. Gabriel, who suffered so much because of me. I knew he loved me. He never had to say a word about it. He never had before and he never gave any sign of saying it in the near future. But like I said, he didn’t have to. I could see it in his eyes, his pain, his suffering, how badly he wanted to console me but knowing it wasn’t right. And I was once again showing him all the reasons I could never love him back as deeply. I felt Scruffy at my feet as he made me look down at him. Once I did, his tail wagged and he tilted his head to the side. I leaned down and picked him up, letting him settle against my arms as I then said to Gabriel,

"How’s dinner coming along?"
"It’ll be done soon."

I then reached up to him, my fingers brushing against his soft, warm cheek as I pulled him close to me and I leaned forward, kissing him very lightly as I looked into his eyes. He seemed so lost, so confused and happy all at once. Without ruining the moment, he got up and went to see the rest of dinner. My pain would never go away and I would never look back at it. But I wouldn’t let it stand in front of my present either. I looked over my shoulder just that once at my past, now in a box, the words of my dead wife’s sister ringing in my head.

Murderer

Self centered

Stubborn

Full of pride

Foolish

Greedy

I wasn’t sure how many of them were true anymore. I couldn’t keep asking questions because I know I’ll never get answers. I could only continue doing what I was doing and focus straight ahead at my present and leave the past behind me. I got up, still holding the small white, spoiled dog in my arms and left my room to join Gabriel.