By: Toki-sama

To my unborn child

I'm eighteen years old today. On the day of my own birth, I was let known of your impending birth. The woman I call my wife let me know she is carrying you in her womb. I smile to know you will be born in nine months. You will grown inside her and then be born. You will grow up. If you are a girl, you will be a beautiful woman, tall and have fair eyes like your mother. But, more then likely, you will be a boy and grow up to be a man, a headstrong stubborn boy to an intelligent man.

You will bring me unlimited joy and a cause for worry and there will be times when you and I will exchange words we don't mean. But in the end, you will be my child and I, your father.

But in a moment, I realize how I will not watch you grow, I will not watch you grow up to be a man. I will not get to even know your gender. The life I lead at my stubborn, careless youth will cause my untimely death. I know that now as I watch my associates loose their wives and children because of war and conflict. I watch as they come home to massacres, blood baths, and their lives forever ruined because of their existence. Rather then come home one day and see you dead, I rather know you are alive, but not know you.

I am not abandoning you. I did want you. You were not born out of a careless mistake which we repent. Yes, you were unplanned and you were a surprise, but you were and are still wanted. Your mother is the one and only woman I have ever loved. I called her my wife, though among my associates, she is seen as nothing but my concubine. The child she carries in her womb is unknown to the world outside of us. Just the three of us know. I fear to tell anyone. I fear for your safety and for your mother's as well. I do not want you to die because of the way I live.

I live and breathe, writing this, knowing I will never get to know you. I will never know the joy of holding you in my arms. I will not be able to pick you up when you fall. I will never know the joy of your smile, the sound of your voice, the same gestures that make you a child. As you grow, I will not know what problems you will face. We will not have those parent/children arguments, I will not know your fears, your pleasures, and I can't spoil you. I can't teach you anything, I can't warn you about anything. I cannot even be a male role model for you to see. When people ask you of your nonexistent father, you will say whatever your mother will tell you. I will more then likely cause you more pain, anguish, and embarrassment then anything else and I want you to know how sorry I am, that, that was all I was able to give you.

When you are still a child, you will wonder about me. As a teenager, you will hate me for not even being there or maybe not even care. As an adult, you will hopefully understand me and this letter will fall into your possession. You will probably know this by now, but if not, then the truth is, I am a triad. Which is the only reason I'm not there. Which is why I know so many that died and lost their children. With every cent I have, you and your mother will be sent away from me, to spare your lives. Please understand I do it because I love the both of you and I'd sooner die then let anything happen to either you or your mother.

When you are an adult, I will probably be dead already. And you and I will never meet. And of everything I have done, or will do, my biggest regret will be and already is, living this life which has cost me the only love I've ever known and my unborn child. My fondest wish for you is to do whatever makes you happy. I hope you have everything you ever want and that love comes your way, and that you do not loose it by some stupid means such as how you live. I wish you to be wise, be intelligent and to take care of your mother. Do not let our sacrifice be in vane. Be anything you want, so long as you are happy. Do not forget that you are wanted and you are love and not a second that ticked by in both our lives, didn't think of you. My blessed unborn child who does not even have a name. I'd sell my soul if only to know who you are and what your name is. Please forgive any wrong and damage I have caused you. And I will continue in being sorry for the rest of my life for never even knowing you.

-Jia Xia