It's four in the morning and I'm up, thinking about you.

I slept soundly for a few hours before hand, but suddenly around three forty-five, I was jolted up by a thought and I sat up, seeing how dark it was, yet how light it still seemed though it was almost four in the morning, the sun still had a good hour to sleep in. I got out of bed, picking up the pack of cigarettes sitting on the night stand beside me as I looked over my shoulder to my not empty bed and I walk out of the room, heading towards the balcony as I step outside to the brisk morning air. I sighed, feeling the air cut through me since I'm not wearing much of anything but my boxers. I stand, cupping my hand around my cigarette once I get one out and light it. I inhale, then exhale, holding onto my small red lighter, sticking it back inside the plastic covering of the cigarette pack as I look out to the city. It's New York this time and I think I have more fond memories here then anywhere else. I dream a lot of times spent here. It wasn't wasted time. At least not to me. I eventually get lazy, knowing how I am and sit on the floor despite the cold and the fact that I got boxers on. I leaned against the glass, the cold making me shutter for a moment, but I eventually forget it.

What drives me to think of you an hour before sunrise? I don't know. I'm pretty sure it's around four now. And I wonder what you're doing. I bet you're sleeping. And you sleep in the manner that is only you, on your side, you hair tied back so it doesn't bother you when you sleep, your hands near your face, the covers around your shoulders, but just the sheets because sometimes you get too hot. You sleep in your dark, navy blue pajamas that you button up with modesty and you sleep in bare feet. You sleep in the middle of your bed tonight, because I'm not there to take up room. I have to wonder how you sleep soundly sometimes, when a lot of the times, I can't get through the whole night because somewhere along my restful slumber, I think of you.

I think of you and wonder why things have to be difficult and then I realize it all comes down to me. I expect way too much from you and you give me everything, even though you don't see it. You've spoiled me with emotion, with how things work between us and sometimes I have to wonder why you don't put your foot down and actually say no to me. Maybe you too are accustomed to knowing I don't like hearing the word no. Maybe you just can't find it in yourself to say no to me. And I don't want you to, but I wonder why you don't. Claim to be harder then diamond and most of the time you are, but what makes me any different then anyone else when it comes to getting under your skin. I know you ask yourself, why did I let him get so close, but I ask myself, what makes me go weak for you. Why you of all people. I use to say that it was just a phase, that I was just interested in you because I never had you. Now, some years later, I stand here corrected, knowing it was much more then that. I watched you grow up from this teenage kid who was just antisocial to this stoic, cold man. And you are a man, I've come to accept that though I treat you like you're much younger then me. I've grown to love more then just the chase with you. Something more then just the pursuit, more then the need for you to finally cave in to me. It was more. Before I admitted it to anyone, I admitted it to myself first that, yes I love you.

Li forced me to admit it first. Because he knew. It had to be hard for someone like him, that already claimed love for me, to tell me to admit that I love you. He knew it because Li knows me better then anyone else and he knew how I felt around you. He saw the sad look in my eye when you turned me away, when you yelled at me the few times you do yell, when you shoved me away and told me to leave you alone. I laughed about it, let it slide like it was no big thing and light a cigarette, but truth is, it hurt me. Anytime you looked at me with that cold glare in your eye, it cut me deep. Scars don't just cross on the skin you know. How long did it take me to win you over eventually? A lot of years, a lot of coaxing and a lot of vows that I would never again, lay my hands on you. And I kept my word. I never again did, though I constantly annoyed you until you finally, once and for all did forgive me. But you came with an ultimatum.

You as my all or you as my nothing.

I said you as my nothing. At the time, I thought it was the best to choice to make because, after all, I had made a vow to you. Never again to put my hands on you. And I could love you for all time, but I had made that promise to you, because you wanted things like that. Things stayed like that for a long time and I figured you forgot about me, about everything we spoke of. Then one night, with a fight at hand, all that changed once again.

What made me love you? What made me swallow the fear I had in my throat that had long since silenced me and forbade me to say those words to you ever again? I don't know. One night, long after the first times we were together again, I sat behind you. Your head was forward as I played with your hair. You let me, which I was surprised because you never let me touch your hair before. I ran my fingers through the then past shoulder length hair, loving the feel of the silk as I heard you softly moan. I know you didn't mean for it to slip out and you probably hoped I didn't hear it. But I did. I leaned forward, putting my arms around you as I moved your hair back, throwing it over your left shoulder as I kissed the back of your neck. You leaned back against me as I held your forearms, running my fingers along side the side of your tattoo, tracing the patterns of the black ink there. Your hands turn upwards, your fingers curling naturally as I kissed your ear and I softly said,

"I love you."

I felt it was the perfect moment to say it. I leaned my head on your shoulder, waiting for you to say something as I looked over to the night stand beside your bed and saw it was four in the morning. I didn't expect you to say anything back. Then I heard your voice, softly at first as you then said,

"I love you too."

I only held you tighter as he rested even more against me.

Things changed every now and then since then. I find it hard to repeat those same words because we do things to each other that makes me wonder. You say you hate me when we're not alone. You turn away from me, shove me back and all I can do is remember how you rejected me once before. But if we're alone, you lean into my hand, return my embrace and my kisses, hold onto me when we get together. You're different then. I had the privilege to see you smile, to hear you laugh, something you would never do in front of anyone. It's not in your diamond hard persona. But I love to hear you laugh, to see you smile. You don't like to it do it often and you often cut yourself short, or bring your hand over your mouth so I won't see. But it's too late. I've already fallen in love with that smile.

I have my constant greed, my constant need to have both you and Li. I've never been loved before. Someone who will shed tears for me, to hold me, to miss me when I'm away. But you do. I tease you about missing me, because you say you don't but when we sleep at night, you turn to me and hold onto me. It's still hard to say I love you, though I do and you know it. Sometimes it's not enough with actions, so I stroke your arms when you're asleep, play with your hair, twirling it in my fingers before I fall asleep and whisper in your ear 'I love you' knowing that you can hear. I just feel better thinking that you're asleep. More time goes on between us and I've developed my balance between you and Li. I try not to pay more attention to one then to the other. I try to have enough time for the both of you. I try to make you understand that, it's more then sex to me. You never said it hurts you when I'm with Li, when you see the both of us kiss. You never said it bothers you when I'm away, when you see Li and I walking in together. You never say it hurts you when Li and I are in his office and I'm sitting on his desk and his hand is on my knee. But you never have to say you're hurt because I can see it in your eyes. I can see how the coldness in them shifts, hardens to ice as you turn away and I can see I've wounded you. But I do the same to Li so I hurt the both of you.

My greed won't let me cut one off to stay with the other. My greed won't let me say I love you until you say it first. My greed wants you to love me, no matter what I do and say. And you do. No matter what. I never show you how much I appreciate that. But I do.

The sun started to come up and I stand up as I flick my cigarette over the edge of the balcony. I noticed my pack is now half empty. I go back inside and get back in bed. That night, I see you, your now, much longer blonde hair tied up, away from your pale face, your heavy coat on over your slender frame. You look up at me once I enter the lobby. Making sure no one else is around, I lean down and kiss your cheek as I whisper,

"I thought about you at four this morning."

You look at me, as if knowing what I mean. You then turn away as I felt your hand slid down my bare arm, your fingers curl into my hand for a moment as I smile slightly and then you draw your hand away before you leave. I won't have to dream about you tonight...I won't have to. You'll be right beside me.